To the boy who roams in my dreams

Oh dear boy who roams in my dreams

Never you worry about my admirers 

They are no more than strangers in a crowd 

Faceless men 

Awed by my smug face, bold words and composed silhouette  

Oh sweetheart, they only see my shadow 

Upright and spotless

Not my wounds but the glittery scabs

Not my tattered soul but embellished patches holding it together 

Not my scars but the light coming from them

So, my dear beloved 

When you see them displaying their awe

Treating me like I've grabbed their hearts

Don't you compare yourself with them 

Not for even a slightest of a moment 

Because my soul longs for you only

My breaths escape my lips only to leap towards your ears

And my heart has your name etched on it 

Oh my dear beloved

I'm yours 

And they are just faceless men

Moving beside me in a crowd

Oblivious to chaos inside me..

Love has it all? Think again.

One of my friends recently got engaged and he chose his fiance by himself. We got into a converstaion about this romantic setting and he shared a thought that love is overrated and compatibility and friendship are actually glueing factors in a marriage. That got me thinking on the subject and here's my two cents.

The prevailing model of marriage endorsed by our society, where parents set you up with a stranger (unless it's a cousin marriage), has been complied by majority (for the sake of it or because they have no other option) but it wreaks havoc on many. The element of uncertainty and risk is too great to accept for some. For that rare fraction, it seems like sometimes there is no way out, except damned celibacy because conforming to ideas and ideologies of a person who gets an instant ticket, out of nowhere, for controlling your life is upsetting at so many levels. Patriarchy gives considerable edge to male members of the society but it would be unfair to say they don't face this dilemma at all. Resultantly, many think love marriage can solve such problems because being head over heals in love with someone before getting into bondage of marriage makes it easier. While it's true that knowing a person long before marriage gives you a fair idea about what are you opting for, does love marriage has it all? Although it doesn't have fear of unknown, it is a marriage after all and there are some practical grounds where marriage differs from a love affair. To make the idea clearer, the point I'm trying to make is that love marriage doesn't have it all for us either and marriage is difficult, no matter arranged by your family or chosen by yourself. 

Besides complications of marriage, I've plenty of other reasons to doubt success of love marriage. Lack of compatibility for one. Now, one can argue how a love marriage can overlook factor of compatibility? But here it does and this is why:

First, Pakistan has a ridiculous dating system. Individuals are rarely open about their partners and most of them never get to sleep or even meet with each other much. This seldom helps individuals in making mature decisions because most of the times they have no idea of what they want or what options do they have. They stick to what they liked and found with some effort and try to make a marriage out of it. Same like Rahul did in "Kuch Kuch hota hai". 

Second, Our idea of love has been completely sabotaged by unrealistic romance as it's wholly based on that "kuch kuch" you feel (you'll find a lot of kuch kuch hota hai referances in the post because I've watched this bollywood romance for a million times). It's not surprising, considering the concept of love promoted by our media and literature but this dramatic approach leads to failure of love marriages. For instances, romance doesn't mean losing the sense of individuality but not many couples here subscribe to this belief. The minute they express affection and accept each other as partners other people, specially opposite gender, become a forbidden or at least disputed territory and this grey area is justified with possessiveness and romance. Is such romance any good? Does a relationship brimming with insecurities, lacking friendship and compatibility reap any fruit? No!

In my opinion marriage or partnership is a lot more than loving a person and filling their physical satisfactions. Its about financial stability, respecting personal boundaries, sharing and understanding the choices of your partner and striving together for a world both are happy in. It's about wrapping your mind around the idea of individualism that both man and woman tying a knot into a marital bond used to have their individual lives as well and this demands strong connection. A connection beyond romance. But in love marriages, I've seen couples losing that personal space. I've seen married people ditching their friend to appease  their counterparts. I've seen husbands pushing their wives into facing pointless antagonism from their side of the family for the sake of a stable marriage. Not that I think marriage shouldn't have an element of compromise or love in it, my only point is never get blindsided by your romantic attractions. Give yourself a reality check because marriage is something bigger than flowers and hearts. Couples face real life problems which idea of love alone cannot solve. It demands a bonding more than the kind of love Bollywood movies have been feeding us since long times. 

Yes, I always hated Rahul for choosing tina over Anjali! 

Think about it, does mantra of "love at first sight" makes much sense once you have signed a contract of sharing a room for whole life and raising offsprings together? It demands more than a romantic setting. It asks for sense of security, commitment, understanding and celebration of each other's individuality and a relationship devoid of compatibility can never provide that. So, if an arrange marriage can be scary, a hasty love marriage with scarce compatibility can be equally damaging. In a nutshell, introduce a bit of rationality while taking a relationship to marriage because it's not necessary to marry a person you are in love with but It's absolutely necessary to have a partner who understands your needs other than romance as well and strive to let you make a life you've wanted for yourself. Yes, that's the idea of compatibility.