Study sadists

"Nerds" and "theetas" are terms used to describe people who tend to study in time and deal with preperations beforehand. Others are "moderates" who don't freak out and work on tight schedule instead of managing in advance, but I'm none of these two categories. I won't, just won't deal with my preperation unless time at hand bcomes so limited that it becomes a task of self-flegellation. Third year is easier (at least uptil now it seems so) and we had plenty of time for preperation but I chose to waste days and now it has become a struggle for me. I've meagre time and lots to study. If I had scheduled even as a moderate, things would have been under control but my brain doesn't work like this. It sucks  pleasure out of that agony and struggle. It stays in comfort zone until there is no other option. So I've devised a term for myself and others like me. We are "study sadists". Yes, sadists who takes pleasure in putting themselves in miserable anticipations of failing. 

Gender Based Admission Policy- Another Step Backwards!

This blog was written by me on 2nd October, 2014.

Announcement of the new admission policy by Pakistan Medical and Dental Council (PMDC), regarding 50,50 division of total medical seats on a gender basis, has once again corroborated its feeble capability to design a plausible solution for a rather serious issue. The division apparently seems innocuous, but if one analyzes the in-depth grounds, it is just another step backwards. Now label me with a title of feminist, but I'll call a spade a spade because this new policy definitely discriminates against females seeking admission in medical schools. Being a part of this field, I'm aware of statistics pertaining majority medical students as women, which entails most of them giving up the profession eventually in order to set up a family life and I vehemently agree that this issue needs to be addressed but not, and I repeat, not at the expense of injustice and oppression. PMDC could have come up with better solutions keeping merit intact, without dragging gender into it. Setting up a debate over it, one can discuss plenty of possibilities leading to females signing up for medicine, but not perusing a postgraduate degree or practicing medicine at all. Some are forced to give up their goals due to our culture infested by a tragic surfeit of patriarchy while others are victimized by the annoying trend of every mother seeking a lady doctor for her son, only to make a gol roti for him after marriage and even if females are allowed to practice, their work hours are often distracted by family concerns leading to abysmal lag in professional life. Flipping to the other side of the coin, higher number of females choose pre-medical in intermediate due to certain reasons, including lack of male dominance unlike commerce and computer sciences fields, parental pressure and a secure future in the marital arena which is utterly disappointing. So summing up, situation puts females into a weaker position in comparison to their male colleagues who are primarily responsible for feeding their families and maintaining a job for that purpose but solution does not lie in formulating a procedure skewed towards favoring other gender. Another reason of the majority, according to rough stats 70%, students securing admission in medical schools across the country being females is their higher grades making them come up to the top merit, but resulting in wastage of a medical seat with no return to government for resources used in training the student. Therefore, PMDC has fixed 50% seats for women to stop large number of them pouring in. Seriously, do we need another policy in our county which seems to advocate oppression against women? We are already suffering enough from obnoxious lack of gender equality in our society so whatever the consequences of the situation at hand may be, advantage cannot be given to male students with less marks just because they are responsible for being breadwinners and their gender roles are favorable to their profession. Certainly if they want to dominate medicine, rational way is to beat females on merit with their dedication instead of trampling them but sadly, the new proposal doesn't ensure this. It is targeting the symptoms of the disease instead of the disease itself as logically, by controlling admission process, these policymakers can never ensure the meritorious women they exclude exactly be the ones who wouldn't be practicing and less qualified men they assist to enter wouldn't be leaving the country after graduation. Moreover, this quota system will lead to another serious issue regarding shortage of lady doctors in hospitals, affecting female patients. Therefore, all we need is to strive for altering societal patterns to stop the grossnegligence shown by women towards medicine, encouraging more men to adopt pre-medical and making it mandatory for both male and female students, who give in to the medical field, to practice in Pakistan for a certain amount of time after completion of thedegree. By implementing such restrictions, and ensuring their effectiveness strictly, not only a flippant attitude towards medicine can be curtailed, but traditional patriarchy and convention of educational credentials used as a mere status symbol, can also be reduced. Furthermore, a slow paradigm shift in culture, ensuring equality, and availability of sufficient lady doctors in the country, would be a cherry on the top. So in a nutshell, authorities should dismiss this lazy and superficial move to redress the gender gap, and women should come out of their comfort zones, acknowledging their responsibilities to meet country's dire need for lady health experts instead of throwing their degrees away in dark nooks after finding a rich husband. We live in the 21st century and it is time to leave sick orthodoxies behind by accepting that women can and should contribute towards a new, progressive Pakistan!

Homeland season 5

Ever since homeland has been aired on the small screen, controversies are unleashing. The show is accused to be racist and  islamophobic because it features CIA tackeling with terrorism (islamic jihad specifically)  all over the world. In my opinion, a lot of criticism is undue. Frankly, whats so not-racial way to show terrorist organisations? I do agree show has some technical inaccuracies and the director would have made himself familiar with culture of middle east a bit more, and that show endorses some cliche but that doesn't puts it in the category of racism. It features Islamic Jihad specifically so it is obvious that Muslims will be targeted and honestly what else do we expect? If terrorism organisations feed on ideology directly related to Muslim religion, and they manipulate and brainwash people by same tool, the world will attack that ideology.  Plus they have equally criticised drone attacks and shown their repercussions in the show and that is what balances it, somehow. Moreover I do not expect it to be completely unbiased at first place because American nationalism can't just disappear from the screen. All this aside, my real concern isn't its targeting nature towards Muslims. My concern is that homeland is losing its touch. The first two seasons were extremely thrilling but after that show started dwindling. Last chapter was featured on Pakistan and they just ruined it by misrepresenting Pakistani capital as some backward african ghetto. Finale didn't feel like finale and it left me high and dry. Fifth season just came up and it was exhilarating for me  because they have featured ISIS-the most recent threat. But with three episodes out already, I've started feeling like it has become less about ISIS and more about Carrie mathison's personal life, her boy friend who literally popped out of nowhere, and her struggles with detaching herself from CIA. Plus it has many flaws like Quin roaming in the streets of Berlin, killing and bombing people but no one giving a fuck. How is that even possible? Its Germany for Gods sake.Carrie's eversion to religion and sudden outpouring of guilt is so cliche. Saul sleeping with German station chief made me want to puke, plus in first two episodes there wasn't even one moment where it would be palpable. Its just third episode and story is still unrolling but its crystal clear that since Brody's death, homeland has been dying slowly and even Carrie's charm isn't helping it much. 

Hearts treading hand in hand..

She wasn't really good with emotions and  often used to validate their love with tears. Tears of longing, tears of pain, tears of love she felt for this extraordinary, compassionate, and beautifully fucked up man. They fell voluntarily kissing her cheek softly while she thought of him, or wrote him a note while he slept, because she knew it will make him smile when he wakes up. They were two hearts treading hand in hand on a forbidden path in persuit of universe. They had this world of their own where future was uncertain, past was irrelevant and that very moment  was life. Life in which they were tethered together, life in which they laughed, cried, and being insane together. Their path wasn't known by those passing by even though they dealt with every one of them. They had invisible strings pulling them closer after every distraction. Sometimes it used to exhaust her but he knew her secrets. He knew exactly which cord to pluck to get her heart signing again and she kept it open, vulnerable, and accessible for him to play with her melodies.

Tell me more about how so not prepared you are...

I never bother opening these study groups on facebook because they depress me more than they actually help and here is the reason why. I'm a lazy person who can work only with a tight schedule. A little space of breath and I'll jump to read a book, sleep, eat, or just sit calmly and breath, or in other words, do anything but study. Sometimes, I waste hours sitting all curled up in my couch, munching sandwich and making  scenarios in my head that have a zero possibility of happening. One day I'm all freaked out about study, telling everyone how I'm gonna change the world and finish everything in time (not that it ever happens) and other day I just kill time and don't care about it. My life is full of distractions, well, distractions and sleep. Even at this time of the year when people lose their shit after done revising subjects, I sit calmly and plan about completing them once before the papers. And irony is that I don't even bother to double think if I might need revision because it makes me bored to death. Most of my syllabus is piled up for the last day and I strongly believe that last night  of exam has this time dilating phenomenon, time dilates and my brain processes information like taka-tuck, so miraculously I become able to at least stuff my head with things enough to pass my exams. And that is sufficient for me, that is all I struggle for. So in this whole situation, when I happen to open these groups and read people talking about shit I've never imagined hearing of, its a total depressor, sometimes a good motivator to get my lazy bones to open the book, but thats a rarity. People ask questions that are unlikely to show up in the exams. They consult and double check everything from different books, I've never been introduced to. They share pictures of clinical scenerios from a parallel universe. They advise not to leave anything, no matter how unimportant,  because you never know UHS might have a telepathic power and use it to know what most people have left and put it in paper. All in all, I feel like an idiotic non-medical student who has accidentally bumped into these geeks and then feel bad for herself. People on these groups are of all kinds, some just boasters, others real nerds whi cone here to mourn for how they are not prepared,  but most are like me who silently read everything, observe and regret later why they did that.  It brings me down to thought that either I'm too overconfident about passing with this miserable condition or these facebook nerdies are too freaked out to convince themselves that maximum paper will be from things they have done already. In both cases, my life is happier even while working in desperate conditions and passing with a narrow edge. I don't want to lose my head, cry, or ruin my health in the process of getting this degree, because its simply not worth it. Thats why I stay calm and do things just sufficient enough for me to go with the flow. That why I don't need these groups and I try not to open them for good. 

Agonisingly beautiful days of the year..

For some, professional exams bring horror of failing and anxiety of an agonising month. For me, its a time to experience a familiar life once again. Not that I'm too over-confident or well prepared to be indifferent to this horror but this time of the year brings me closer to myself and my likings. These days are beautiful in their own way. Stressful, hectic, uncertain but beautiful. They bring a new life to my drawing room which I seldom use in whole year. Every year it owns me like a child curled up in its lap. I find solace in these sofas and cushions when my thoughts exhaust me. Sitting here, watching the bowl of night emptying into the day and sun sneaking in, redefines my pursuit of universe. Sometime I get too busy to feel this transition. Other times, I witness it with a cup of coffee or a glass of energy drink with ice cubes in it, and slow classic tunes. Its been three years and this attachment is getting deeper, meaningful and more intimate. The whole city sleeps and I stay with my thoughts and these curtains around the window, the cushions I hug, books I dwell myself into (willing or unwillingly), music I play on sound cloud and coffee I sip while my mind wanders in realm of past and future. These perks come your way if you're a night person and being one, I have been their friend for three years now. They haven't disappointed me yet. I've pulled my hair in frustration while studying anatomy, ranted about physiology and enjoyed Biochem in their company. My subjects have changed but  feelings haven't. My struggle to sleep less and keeping my brain caged to the books, remains the same and so does my company of silent city and my room. They keep my secrets, hide my tears and hold my hand from darkness of hopeless night to light of the a positive day.  

A paradigm shift

The post I'll be publishing below was written by me on 20th August, 2014 and it has stayed safe in my notes since then. I happened to read it today (because every things seems attractive when you have a prof around the corner) and realised how much change my life has gone through in one year. Although I still think lack of career counselling is a major problem in our society and it needs to be emphasized upon, but my own hatred for my profession has lessened over time and I've become positive about life as a whole. Last year was most vulnerable part of my life and I was in phase of discovering a new direction for me since the old one had lost. My ideological shift and a major heart break left me vulnerable and bitter. It wasn't hatred for my profession that made me write this, it was my life situations and my agony of not knowing where I was going. But now, I'm going through prep leaves and third year is tough and I don't love it particularly but I don't hate it either. Hope of passing and graduating after a few years keeps me going and I've started thinking about my future career options. Its a good sign, life is better now and I'm at a better place. It makes me proud how strong I've become, and how I've recovered from that misery on my own. My writing career, my struggles and my openness to learning new things is what has made me come this far.

PS I've just started exercising daily to build a healthy life. Its just another proof  of productive changes I'm incorporating. 

And the post I'm talking about is right here:

Where do I stuff my dreams!

Since beginning of my second year in medical, I've been ranting a lot about my boring studies. It feels like, just out of nowhere it has dawned on me that pursuing medicine degree isn't something I want to do. Albeit my entry into this profession at an expense of two extra depressing and arduous years, at this stage of my life, I reckon I've been gulled by my love for biology into a tooth and nail fight for something not more than a flaring squib. My seniors tell me things will get better once my wards begin, because clinical part is completely different from theoretical one, and it incites a chunk of vitality in my otherwise dull life. But nothing bars my dreams from badgering me! While I take my white coat on, something dies inside and blares the image of me dressed up like Jessica Pearson and getting with heads on to a job I love. I won't mind Dona Paulson either to be honest but wait, if you think it has something to do with my Suits mania, trust me, its not. I could be a Fulbright scholar perusing an English literature degree from Harvard and spending extra time in a sophisticated library of my own. Then comes my hysteria to visit Europe as well, with a DSLR flauntingly hanging on my shoulder, and photographing every possible scenic location. You see? I want to be anything but a doctor. But alas! Since I've entangled myself into this, It will never spare me and that is what I hate most about this degree. It adamantly sticks to your life, draining all your energy and time.

When I bring myself to think about where the flaw has been, it goes back to my schooling and entails on presence of career counselling nowhere in my academic life. Quite unsurprisingly, majority students encounter this very situation of being unaware about prevailing  professional opportunities. Result:Choices they get narrow down to medicine and engineering only. In fact, try asking a kid what he wants to be when grown up and he will proudly tell you about his wish of being a doctor or an engineer. You see, it is ingrained in us from our very childhood. Apart from this, our education system is devoid of creativity and critical thinking and the real purpose of education has long lost. A race of marks is going on and our literary machinery is producing programmed economic slaves who seldom have any idea about what they want to do with their miserable lives. In any case this issue needs to be addressed immediately. I love Amir Khan with all my heart for making a movie like Three idiots as an explicit embodiment of social stigma which has lead hundreds of student to tedious lives they don't want to pursue at first place.

If I had been counselled in my school or college life, I would have discovered my true passion and pursued that instead of wasting two years for getting into medicine which has lost its charm in just a year.  

Anyway, there is still a hope of getting all my dreams come true if I manage escaping vicious cycle of studying, getting married and having kids (don't tell my mom I said this!). Because I have courage to rebel for my dreams, no matter how stupid they seem to others but right now all I'm left with is this overrated profession. Meanwhile I can just hope people understand importance of much needed consultation every student requires to uncover his hidden interests and decide the profession he indeed wants to follow. And yes, I do wish our desi community starts realizing that life exists beyond medicine and engineering too! 

Rant of a non-conformist

We can divide people into two groups- conformists who follow social norms without castigating them and non-conformists (or read it radicals) who have this urge of questioning and challenging pre-established dogmas. Latter ones choose to make their own standards. and let me tell you, they are rare species, who are unfortunate enough to end up like this and get brutally judged by self-assumed superior geeks. The vitriol is obvious considering that we live in a society whose fabric is weaved by threads of indoctrination. And anyone who try to rip those patterns, is eyed as an outcast or rebel who has no respect for traditions. On the contrary, confirmists live happily here because they have all worked it out. They fit in the herd and herd owns them. Its common sense you see, we tend to make friendships with people who are more like us. Now I've no problem with this acceptance, but I would be happy for them only if I enjoy same perks for being a radical because believe it or not, it doesn't make me any less of a human. Plus how can you even expect everyone to rationalise this conformity or to be okay with it? Is it so abnormal to have a deviatory view that we have to slap labels like extremists, rebels, pseudo-liberals on people's faces. What if all the lambs in the herd like eating grass, but one doesn't find it that interesting? Does it mean that very lamb is an attention seeker or rebel so need to be seen with contempt because he might have an hidden agenda? This analogy might sound ridiculous to you but trust me it is simple as this. If I like beef steak, but you find it bland, would I accuse you of going behind my back or a cow's back for that matter? Nope, because it sounds crazy. People have different tastes you see. If its a popular fact that beef steak is tasty, but someone thinks contrary, the only reason is that his definition of taste ain't similar to yours-right or wrong aside. Same goes with opinions. If I formulate an opinion that doesn't conform to your or society's standards, it simply means I've a different perspective than yours and sure I've my own reasons. Why do you have to be so threatened by it or label me as an attention seeker? I mean I can judge you for not having the balls to challenge anything fed to you since your childhood but I don't do that because its none of my business. And I'm not weak enough to get offended by a mere opinion which doesn't suit my stinking standards. So, people need to stop, just stop name calling, judging or ridiculing one another for sake of satisfaction because having a different opinion doesn't make anyone a threat or a danger to a society, country or a religion. If anything it does, that is ensuring diversity and propagation of different ideas and last time I checked diversity brought change. So, it would be relieving if people just for once, try to wrap their heads around it and try compassion and acceptance instead of hostility. Period. 

Should wars ever be glorified?

 I never imagined living in times where a particular group or organisation would cause the world threat of such a huge scale. Past few weeks have been life changing and I realised I was living  in times of a major war crisis in Syria. Largest refugees influx has surfaced on the globe after world war II and these are desperate times but unfortunately the concept of war isn't new for us. We have grown up hearing glorious stories about ghazwas, conquests of Hajaj Bin Yousaf and Mehmood ghaznavi, atrocities of crusaders, epoch of Holocaust, horrible years of two world wars, victories and losses of indo-pak conflicts , crimes in conflicted areas like barma, Iraq, palestine and the most recent one that is Syria. Wars make most of our history and conquests entail massive part in national pride of every country but here are some questions that have been bugging me in recent days. Does the information, passed on to the future generations, in historic form does justice with the sufferers of the tragedy? Do people really understand the harrowing implications of any war or conflict in the human history by reading these facts and figures decorated with stories about bravery and patriotism? And should war ever be glorified from any perspective for the sake of nationalism? Because whoever wins, common (read it naive) people die on both sides.

I've been following news for weeks but a few days ago Humans of New York started a series of stories from refugees who had settled in Europe after fleeing their war infested homeland and it gave me a new perspective. Discussing causes or stimulants of this crisis isn't my purpose here. The nature of this conflict may be different politically or ideologically from any war documented in the human history but consequences are quite similar- sufferings of humanity. Following personal accounts of tales narrated by victims gives an entirely new direction of thought on not only an ongoing melee in Syria but war in general. It has brought me closer to reality of sufferings those people are forced to endure. They are parents who have witnessed their sons kidnapped and daughters rapped, who have tirelessly lied to their kids that everything would get alright after being beaten in front of them. They are children who have lost their childhood in streets of their bombed cities and saw their parents killed by veiled strangers. They are wives who would never see their husbands again because they couldn't make it to the island with them on the crowded plastic boat. They are mothers whose sons drowned, brothers whose sisters were sold into sexual slavery and innocent children who have seen too much darkness in a tender age. They are families who saw their houses burnt and friends electrocuted and shot before they were forced to hand themselves over to smugglers and cruel ocean and lost some more loved ones before making it to the land again. These stories are just a few, out of thousands out there, which reflect sufferings of people from a war zone. 

Now the case with Syria is different and ISIS is clearly doing massacre with no resistance from other side so I won't relate to it but I can make an opinion about war in general. My point is, reading about victory and loss in papers or books only isn't enough because knowing loss of human lives in numbers sure has an impact but it's not nearly equal to reality. These are the stories which need to be documented in journals and history books for generations to read so that they wouldn't only know the facts and figures but also human sufferings at personal level. These are the incidents which should be made accessible to us in our text books along with bravery of leaders and soldiers because they deserve equal attention. Only then our children would be empathetic  about it instead of falling into the trap of lionisation of conquests and killings. Nations need to find something better than war to feel glorious about. In my opinion, there is no hard and fast rule about winning a war, no one can be a plain victor. Thousands of humans, no matter which side they belong to and how the conflict ends, lose something they never deserved to, and would never be able to recover. So we need to highlight sufferings of war as well, instead of wrapping them in glittering sheets of stories about bravery and courage because where latter propagate strength, former endorses empathy and empathy is what our world needs the most today.